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[#Horror #reTweet] Bigfoot Wars (2014)
Bigfoot Wars (2014)
By Scott Shoyer
Wow!! What the fuck did I just watch?? I’m so completely gobsmacked by what I just saw that I’m almost at a loss for words. Almost. I was really looking forward to seeing BIGFOOT WARS, which is based on the novel BIGFOOT WAR by Eric S. Brown. First a little something about Brown’s novels. To date I believe there are seven novels in Brown’s Bigfoot apocalypse series (I reviewed the first three novels here, here, and here). Simply put, Brown’s Bigfoot series are fucking amazing. If you’re looking for a fast read full of gore, fun characters, ferocious Bigfoot creatures like you’ve never seen before, and even more gore, then I can’t recommend Brown’s series enough. This is why I was so excited when I heard a movie was being made by Phase 4 Films (and distributed by Origin Releasing) based on the first novel in the series. I’ve seen enough movie adaptations of novels to know that I wasn’t going to get a 100% true-to-the-source-material movie. There was just too much violence, gore, and disturbing shit in the novel!! If the film’s producers put even half of the gore up on screen from the novel the budget would’ve been astronomical. But what we get is something that not only has absolutely nothing to do with Brown’s novel, but it has nothing to do with entertainment or fun. It’s not even “so bad it’s good.”
The big huting party out to destroy a bunch of Bigfoots!!
BIGFOOT WARS starts off with the viewer joining an old man right after he just finished fucking a young, twenty-something girl. So right away you know this is gonna be a classy film. After some meaningless dialogue the criss-crossed HAROLD AND MAUDE get attacked and mauled by a pissed off Yeti. This was such a traumatic scene because we really get to know and love these characters. Just kidding!! They were obviously only written into the script, if there was indeed a script, solely to be killed off in the pre-credit sequence. Fuck ‘em.
I’ve seen better Bigfoot costumes at Spirit Halloween stores!!
We soon learn that the setting for this film is in Boggy Creek. Really? That’s the most creative setting writers Andrea Doss, Frederic Doss, and Jacob Mauldin could come up with? Wait a minute … there’s three fucking writers on this script? Three?? Hell, I thought most of this film’s dialogue was ad-libbed. Anywhoo, the local media does some street interviews and the consensus around town is that there’s a sudden increase in bear attacks. But we also learn that the citizens of Boggy Creek are hot!! No one in town is apparently older than 27 and everyone is gorgeous. I’m currently looking for real estate in Boggy Creek.
Then, in what seems to be in a completely unrelated movie, we join six twenty-something’s who are on their way up to one of their father’s cabins in the woods. This is where the writing trio really earned their money. We get detailed backgrounds of the six characters complete with psychological profiles that really makes us feel like these six individuals are our family members. Yup, sarcasm. These are cookie-cutter characters with no discernible personalities. The guys all wanna party and get laid and the girls want to party and have some romance. The writing trio of Doss, Doss, and Mauldin should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. These characters do nothing to advance the plot (who the hell am I kidding … what plot??) and are killed off by some more pissed off Biggfoots almost as soon as they are introduced. But wait. This time we see that one of the girls was taken and not simply killed. The plot thickens … which would still only make this film the consistency of water. Sheriff Taylor (Holt Boggs) is soon on the scene and an investigation to end all investigations takes place.
“Looks like bears. Let’s go home.”
Fuck CSI and their obsessive attention to detail!!
In what appears to be yet another different movie we cut to the Boggy Creek hospital where pill addicted Dr. Evans (played by a very bored looking Judd Nelson) starts to … uummm … he begins to … wait, what the hell does his character do? Nelson gets a lot of air time but I’ll be damned if I can think of one instance where he did anything to advance the plot. It felt like the script was written when a producer told the writers that “we got Judd Nelson,” so they seamlessly wrote him into the story (yup, there’s that sarcasm again).
I knew I’ve seen the Bigfoot creatures in BIGFOOT WARS before. They just added more hair to the Bigfoot in the episode from THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN!!
The Bigfoot attacks keep escalating but now there’s no female bodies. Apparently the Bigfoots are kidnapping all the hot, sexy twenty-something’s in Boggy Creek (which there’s a lot of), raping them, and using them for making little baby Bigfoots. If this plot sounds familiar that’s because it was done (way better, mind you) back in 1980 in HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP. After the sheriff’s daughter Savannah (Jackey Hall) is taken by the creatures, the sheriff gathers up his one deputy (David Sullivan), deputizes Mark (Frederic Doss), who’s also the town drunk, and teams up with the drug dealing, town scumbag, survivalist Zeke (C. Thomas Howell). You read that correctly; C. Thomas Howell is also in this film.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, BIGFOOT WARS is all over the fucking place. It’s a mess. The story feels like two or three different stories mashed together, the acting is horrendous by everyone involved (sorry Nelson and Howell, but you both couldn’t have looked any more bored), I’ve seen tighter editing in home movies, and then there’s the creatures themselves. I will give cudos to director Brian T. Jaynes for using only practical Bigfoot creatures. But I quickly take away those cudos after seeing the creatures (which we see in the first five minutes of the film). I know there’s a lot of Bigfoot movies out there, but the creatures in BIGFOOT WARS are the worst Bigfoots I’ve ever seen. Their faces looked exactly like the Bigfoot creature from THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN episode. The creatures were too hairy, too short, and their roars sounded exactly like the same roars as the bull-demons from the video game DOOM. Then to add insult to injury, the titular creatures in BIGFOOT WARS were some of the easiest monsters to kill in horror history. A few bullets, hitting them with a tree branch, and I think even a half-filled water balloon would kill them!! A mosquito puts up more of a fight. It’s pretty bad when I’m watching this shitfest wishing for CGI creatures. Pathetic.
Judd Nelson looking bored … as will you!!
I know I started this review by mentioning Eric S. Brown’s series of novels upon which this film was supposed to be based. But I want to be clear that BIGFOOT WARS isn’t a shitty film because it doesn’t follow Brown’s novel. BIGFOOT WARS is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen because it’s poorly made in every way. Horrible acting, boring characters, dull action, terrible editing, stupid looking creatures in dime store costumes, and a plot ripped off from a 1980s classic film. What we end up with at the end of the day are a bunch of horny Bigfoots looking for a piece of ass to rape. But the only person who really got fucked and raped here is author Eric S. Brown. Do yourself a favor and avoid this film as if it was tuberculosis fucking hepatitis while H.I.V jerks off all over them. By all means go and read Brown’s novels, but stay away from BIGFOOT WARS … far, far away!! I hated everything in and every moment of BIGFOOT WARS.
My Summary:
Director: Brian T. Jaynes
Plot: 0 out of 5 stars
Gore: 1.5 out of 10 skulls
Zombie Mayhem: 0 out of 5 brains
Reviewed by Scott Shoyer
Based on this film, the answer is a solid NO!!
Filed under: Movie Reviews, New Horror Releases, New Posting
September 21, 2014 at 03:20PM
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